Saturday, November 27, 2010

burst...

My day is just getting so down n moody.. never know when will i be the happy crazy becky again..not putting up a fake smile, happy face, laughing even is just so fake sometimes when i think back..i stay so strong but still fall everytime i'm left alone... so needed someone to share my problems but is just seem so hard to get that someone..writing all this out just help me to release my moment of tears n sad..i feel my blog is my tearing moments... use to be my glory n happy now it turn to be so rainy, thunder blog..haizz:(

Appetite is slowly catching up but still won;t eat sometimes..today feel my heartbeat so unstable bcoz when i was resting my heart beat super fast n i was like catching up with my breathing.. why is all this happening to me?it's because of that bloody problem still stuck in my mind.. is just attack me everytime when i think about it, when i'm alone.. PLS!! help me get rid of that stupid problem.. i still lost somehow in this problem.. feeling is upside down n unstable.. u can see me day dreaming, pale face, not concentrate.. is just bcoz my mind keep flying all those words n problems..

I slap,scold, scream at myself to stop but is just keep going.. BTG is just 2week but my mind is just not stable.. i feel myself useless now in SK.. can't get things done in right time.. i hope i don dissappoint my girls.. i'm fighting hard to stay strong for Final.. is just seem super hard for me..
really need so much help n encouragement... sorry girls.. i will get back to my krazy track ASAP!

i'm like a cry baby nowadays.. cry when drive alone, cry when listen to music, when i see moments, think of words... when will my tears end??i really want to have the hardcore heart that don shed a tears.. how come i become so soft hearted n cry baby?? WHY? WHY??
i know why but i just donno how to stop all this... i can even while teaching dance class suddenly something pass through my mind n my eyes,nose all turn red but lucky i cover line good, none of my student find out.. but is getting harder everyday to control my emotion..
all i want is to gain back all the moment of trust.. if not i will try to run away from all this problem will my best runaway..

life is so complicated..

colorful or darkness

I feel my surround has turn so dark.. i can't cope with it anymore, other than just stay strong go through the competition.. what i wish now is to have the energy, strength, idea to dance on my Final..why things like to happen on wrong timing? why things need to turn out to be so bad?why can't i just stand strong on my both feet n don care about it...ARGHHHH!!!!

My colorful n wonderful life has turn to colorblind, fear, phobia, physco, not confident.. i hate this feeling..i want to fight back the old me strong, confidence, happy go lucky, gila gila, sampat till the max. i have tune down so much, it's bcoz of my age or just things around me is making me stress.. i need a solution for all this if not i soon will be admitted to *CHOI** just maybe..

I have a day rest with my baby on 25th Nov 2010.. i totally take a off day n we just go shopping, watch movies, have nice lunch n dinner.. it's really been long i have a nice PAK TOH day with baby.. everything seem so sweet that i smile,laugh, n feel so peaceful.. we go to times square n shop for OBEY shirt n yes indeed we bought 3Obey shirts n saw Nigel..haha so conincident..
then we hit down to Pavilion cinema to watch Megamind n i laugh bcoz there are few part that is so funny.. then we shop around Pavilion n farenheit 88.. we when to Uniglo, baby bought me a cute jumper suit, i look like a small girl when i wear it.. hahaha can;t imagine it..then dinner at Madam Kwan's yummy yummy nasi bonjari is just so nice... after everything we go home is already 11plus.. back home we watch dance clip n Airbender but i fall asleep before the movie start bcoz i think i just feel so peace n calm when i put my head on my baby chest.. i can sleep well n no nightmare.. thanks baby for the lovely day.. I love u so much <3<3

I hope there will be no more nightmare, stress n emotion down 99%..
i feel i can't take it anymore..
wish for everything to over soon...

Can't wait for 2011..

Saturday, November 20, 2010

health down 99%

day by day...it has been a week, i feel so down n emotion down to 99%..eating has become so difficult to me, heartbeat abnormal, giddy, shivering n cramp..:(
everyday i control my emotion so i won't just blast it out, i just wish i can be alone all the time, but is hard bcoz i'm stuck with BTG competition.. NOW i just wish everything can be over, so i can get back to my normal track where i'm happy go lucky everyday..

Everytime when i'm with my girls, i will laugh, go krazy, so tat i won't think so much, but in the end i will still be alone n think again.. :'( looking at them i feel so peace n happy for them, bcoz they can share their problem with all the friends, write it out in FB status, or in their blog.. why can't i just be like them? i always keep all the problem inside me n settle it slowly with thinking about it, end out i'll stress out n burn out.. maybe the way i grow up is different that make me a secret keeper, everything settle sendiri..

It has been a week, i didn't eat proper food, or can say a proper meal.. but still hanging strong bcoz i tell myself not to collapsed n fall.. hope i can hang til BTG final.. i can;t believe myself can be so skinny.. losing weight like nobody business.. i dowan all this but is happening to me..
if can i want to scream out loud * Rebecca can't hold any longer n stay any stronger*I WANT TO GIVE UP!!!! but i keep holding back bcoz i believe in it...

people always say "what goes around,come around* i believe in it now, is a life karma that go in circle..

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

'' life ''

Life is always full of sweet dreams that everyone wish like Fairy Tale.. But does this fairy tale appear in so called reality life..might happen if u are one in a million lucky girl choosen by the GOD to be in the fairy tale story..

Too bad i choose not to be the fairytale lady, bcoz i got my dream to chase..
I chase this so call dream for many years n i have make my name, fame, in this few years n i'm happy i got so many friends, fans n student who support me in so many ways..
i have aunty n uncle that sponsor me to compete in Worlds.. Student that appreciate me so much n make little present that is so memoriable.. (crying) i think i have make my life full of beautiful dreams n great success..What else do i ask for??

i think nobody know that this strong lady know as Rebecca Lee a.k.a Becky Lee.. Is such a failure in her Love Life.. I can be so cool n steady in all form but when i'm facing Love problem i can collapsed n fall just like tat.. why? can someone help me with this? i dowan to go through al this over n over again, is just so tiring.. being faithful, loyal, lovely to someone u love izzt wrong,i just don understand sometimes.. I just feel like going back to the old me (drink n club everynite), hang out with all the friends til late nite, don stay at home all the time, don care about people feeling.. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? i have turn into a good girls that stay at home watch tv, eat house food, be back home before 12am,don go club drink.. this is call LOVE POWER!!
From a girl that doesn't wear short pant out from the house, has become liking short pant, singlet, wearing contact lens, make up.. what have i turn into.. Can't believe myself..

I just wish i can hold on till BTG over..i dowan to dissapointment everyone that look up at Soul Krazy and support us so much.. but i really can't really think or work things out when i'm really emotion break down..i need help so much but i donno who can i ask for, all i can do is cry it out..
Heart pain, stress, is just crazy bombing action to me.. i think i'm going to lose weight like hell.. my face going to turn pale like paper..the crazy is i didn't eat for 2days just drink water but still can perform 3routines with Soul Krazy for my birthday party, the most crazy madness thing i ever do..after party straight drrive to Singapore to see my baby.. turn speechless with my action sometimes..

My baby bought me iphone 4 as birthday present first time ever receive such an expensive present from my love one.. been going through my birthday with no present, no celebration, no love one around with me for so many years.. should i say I"m stupid or just being dumb.. maybe is just written story life on REBECCA LEE.. this year should say the most happiest year ever..
suprise from SK, my student at Evonne Sttudio, Astro, my big birthday party at Hai Thiam Lo with Famous Crew singing me cantonese version B'day songs, Old school Brothers, students, family, aunties, uncles.. the most wanted person in my list not there (MY BABY) wanted to shed tears in the party but i manage to hold my tears n smile through the 5hours party..Party was great n amazing.. hope i can do it again..

for now..All i wish is i can think something better for BTG final then all the rubbish shit problem i'm facing..haizz.. pray for the best now..

TIRED!! EMO!! STRESS!! F**K UP**

Friday, November 12, 2010

Birthday Surprises!!

November started with a big smile on my face bcoz Soul Krazy has made their way to Battleground Final 2010.. yoohooo.. but the tiring part is about to start..

On the 8th nov after the semi final round 3.. we need to go for a training with the 3judges at sri petaling is such a tiring day.. i sweat like pipe water in the class.. demmm!!! classes ended late bcoz we start late so i didn't attend Loose Joint workshop bcoz i got class at 7.30pm at Sri Damansara.. so i left at 6.15pm.. then i straight went to my class ended late bcoz was busy cleaning all the steps for my party performance.. then went home for shower..

At 10.30pm, i receive a sms from my sister asking to go out for a drink.. seem tat i have no date or anything so i went out to Oldtown at 11pm to meet her up with my mum n niece.. so we eat,talk..i was busy online seeing the time pass..
I was looking at the clock on my netbook hit 12am.. i was like is my birthday.. but is will always be the same every year.. boring, with dance classes.. sleep..without any celebration..
When i was busy replying all the wishes on Facebook, suddenly Seven,Cynthia, Yvonne Kan n Von appear in front of me singing Birthday SOng so loudly while holding a 2box of cupcakes with my name on it BECKY, the whole oldtown can hear their voice..I was like *what a surprise*i can't believe my eyes standing in front of me is my 4girls*.. In my heart i was like is this a Dream or Reality..the first cake n surprise that my dance crew ever do it for me.. I feel like crying but bcoz we always *SAMPAT* so i act very normal.. hehe
But i'm very happy n speechless.. :X then after eating the cupcakes all of us go back.. Von n Yvonne went to my house to sleep..my birthday my room is fill up with friends, loves and laughter.. :)

is 9th november my birthday,i wake up at 6am bcoz i think if we 3 wake up at the same time who can us the toilet first == .. so i wake up shower everything then von turn n last yvonne..
we left house at 7.15 n reach astro at 8am.. we makeup, hairdo, breakfast, shoot, gossip..
astro n my girls again surprise me with another BOX OF CUPCAKES.. with all the top4 singing me birthday songs.. i feel so paiseh but also KAM TONG.. in my life this is my first time going through a birthday with so many surprises.. after we finish, we left to sunway for lunch.. on my way there, my baby call me n sing me a Birthday Songs bcoz he is so far away from me n can't celebrate or be with me..i just patiently wait for him to celebrate with me when he is free..

5 of us was sitting at yu jia for lunch while discuss about BTG final.. but when we having discussion my eyes is like closing.. cannot tahan i straight tell my girls i need to go back n sleep..
so i went home n sleep for 3hours n wake up 5pm.. had my dinner at home bcoz mum cook.. after tat i drive my way to mahkota cheras for class til 9pm.. After class i go to Royal Phanthom for practice with Soul Krazy for Miss Nina show... practice ended at 11.50pm..pack everything n i go to my car n drive myself home..

In the car i see the clock hit 12am.. n i tell myself My Birthday is over.. i'm one year older...
What should i do next year? what i want to achieve? what else do i wish for?
I have a very tiring, but happy day with my girls... althought sometimes i stress like in hell bcoz of competition, n feel like scream n scold when routine cannot be done n clean...But i just can't do it bcoz i know all of us are doing our best to prove ourself..that's why the name SOul Krazy suit us so much.. haha :p

I LOVE U ALL MY GIRLS SOUL KRAZY!!!!